Mummy was prepared to give her life for yours...

Hey Baby Girl,

So this is going to be a difficult letter to write...

I've been thinking for a few weeks about how, or even 'if' I should write this one.

But if it's been on my mind, it's something you deserve to know...

So here we go.

Before we knew you had Patau's Syndrome, we knew something wasn't right. But we didn't know what...

We still hoped there was nothing wrong at all, of course!

But all we knew was that Mummy was struggling, physically, with pregnancy this time around.

Far more than she did with your brother or sister.

She was really tired. Like, REALLY tired!

Sleeping a lot.

Short of breath at even the slightest exertion...

I remember a time shortly before your 3 month scans... We took your brother and sister for a walk locally where there were some hills. Not even big hills either!

Mummy walked only a short way before she went really pale, got light-headed and needed to sit down.

Honestly, I thought at one point she was going to pass out!

Suffice to say, it was a short afternoon before we headed home.

The doctor said Mummy had low blood pressure. Which can be common in pregnancy. Although not as common in the first trimester.

A sign that something could have been wrong. But it could have been 'just one of those things'.

At the time, we simply didn't know.

Then came a conversation between Mummy and I.

A conversation that's stuck with me ever since...

We were talking about you. Going through the possible paths ahead.

If something was wrong. Not knowing if something was wrong with Mummy, or with you.

We know the answer to that now. But we didn't then!

And Mummy said something that i've not forgotten.

"If it's me. And if it came to it, you had to make a choice between me, or baby... You know who I would want you to choose. Right?!"

And of course, I knew the answer to that question.

She would have given her life for yours in a heartbeat!

Mummy reminded me of where all 'the paperwork' was.

Her will. Insurance documents. Work benefits. Mortgage policies...

All the things I would need, should anything happen to her.

And Mummy being the kind of person she is. She had already thought it through.

She knew everything was in order. Everything was up to date.

And she was ready.

More to the point. She had made sure your brother, sister and I would have what we needed, if it turned out that she was no longer with us.

Conversations like that happen between couples. Sure. But usually it's hypothetical. And you don't ever want it to be anything but hypothetical!

But i've got to admit. That conversation hit me like a train!!

Not only was there a question mark around whether our baby was ok...

There was also a question mark around whether the only woman i've ever loved, would survive what was to come.

We were either going to have our baby.

We were going to lose our baby.

I was going to lose my wife, but save our baby.

Or I was going to lose you both.

And from my perspective, that was a horrific and terrifying set of possibilities!!!

Now obviously, Mummy still finds it really hard to talk about your loss.

But I think one of the reasons she struggles so much... Is because she knows there was nothing she or we could have done to save you.

Not even giving her life for yours would have helped.

That ultimate sacrifice wouldn't have been enough!

There was literally nothing she, your mother, could have done to save her baby girl.

And the way I see it.

The way it feels to me... And it's worse for her...

Is that's the absolute epitome of feeling helpless.

Nothing we could have done.

Nothing we could have given.

Nothing she could have sacrificed.

Nothing would have helped.

You deserve to know how amazing your Mummy is.

How much she was willing to do.

How far she was willing to go.

And how it wasn't just base motherly instinct.

But a clear, conscious, choice.

Knowing full well the impact.

Knowing she would have left not only you. But also your brother and your sister. Me and the rest of our family...

But she was as prepared as she could be, for me to continue raising our babies without her.

I said at the beginning how this was a harder letter to write than I was expecting it to be.

But you deserve to know...

You deserve to know how much Mummy loves you.

And if she had the choice. How far she was willing to go to save you.

Love you baby girl,

Daddy