Weight doesn't get lighter. But it does get easier to carry...

Hey Baby Girl,

It's been another year. And your loss still hurts.

I still talk to your urn as it sits on your shelf.

I still say goodnight to you.

I still see you sat on your brother and sisters shoulders, telling them to be that little bit cheekier. Or that little bit braver. Or that little bit more mischievous (thanks for that by the way! ha).

You're not hidden away.

I cry less and I did before.

When watching someone sad on the TV, I get less emotional than I did a year ago.

So I guess that means my emotions are a lot more stable than they have been for the past few years.

The weight of your loss isn't gone. But it is becoming easier to carry...

I talk about you regularly. Especially at work. Which honestly, I think helps. A lot, too!

In my last letter to you I spoke about life being too short... And that I wanted to make some changes to live mine differently moving forward.

This past year I have been doing just that. And it's been tough. Really tough! But definitely worthwhile!

I have gone from a highly paid executive career full of ego stress. To a new career, starting from the bottom, either even more stress, but much more meaning...

And you remember I talked about having no pride in what I did before... Well that's the opposite now. Now, I have put ego to the side and all I feel is pride.

Well.. Stress, anxiety, fear... And then, once it settles down... Pride! lol.

You see, Daddy is now a Police Officer.

Yep. Surprised the hell out of everyone who knew be before too!

Remember how I said I realised I always, in my own way, protected people. How I had a habit of standing up for others...

Well I now get to do that every day.

In the moments of peoples lives where they need help the most. Usually in the times where they would hate for even their closest and most loved of loves ones to see them... I am there, helping them.

And honestly, it's often really really hard...

I get called to anything from elderly people who are lost and confused...

To being called to protect others from some pretty dangerous and evil people. Most of whom need to be locked up... And it's me and those I work with who make sure they are!

I don't talk to Mummy about barely any of it. Because not only is it my weight to carry... I wouldn't want to add to what I know she too, still struggles with.

You quickly learn when you do jobs like mine, that people outside of 'the job' rarely understand what it's like. Not really. And nor should they!

We do what we do, so others don't have to know about it. And so they don't have to carry it with us.

They get to live in blissful ignorance of quite how hard and harsh the world can be.

You know that better than most. You were dealt a horrific and unfair hand in your short life.

And while I at the time thought what happened with you was the worst thing ever... There are others out there who struggle with worse. Things I couldn't even have imagined.

I think that's part of why I have found this past year so hard.

Realising that I used to think I had a good idea of what 'bad' was.

And yes, i've always know that everything is relative... I just didn't have a clue of quite how different other perspectives to that statement could actually be!

It's very different when you see it from the lives of those, whose lives are immensely less privileges than ours. Or those whose relationships are infinitely more toxic.

To them, words like 'horrific' have entirely different meanings to what I ever thought was possible!

So the pride I feel at helping them. Surprisingly. Comes with an almost equal level of relief at the fact that our lives are as they are.

I don't think anyone will really understand fully what I mean by that statement unless they had seen what I have seen in this past year.

With, almost amusingly, considering i've only been doing this for a year... I can't imagine what i'll have experienced 10 years down the line!

Losing you gave me perspective. It led me to change my direction.

It's a direction I will do now for as long as I am able.

I will help as many people as I can.

Your brother and sister will know that when daddy it late home on occasion. It will not be because I am making rich people richer. Or stressing over a presentation that ultimately means nothing...

It will be because I am helping people.

When I look like I am carrying a weight, it will be a weight that means something.

And hopefully, over time, that weight too, will become easier to carry.

Love you baby girl,

Daddy